How to teach kids to strive without being overburdening?

“I want to be the best wrestler in town”

This is what my son said as I dropped him off at his mom’s a few weeks ago. 

What you need to know is, my son is not the most naturally gifted wrestler in the world (or in our wrestling club for that matter).  He hasn’t won a match.  He gets pinned often.  He’s more likely to be called “sweet and kind” than “tough and aggressive”.

There isn’t anything wrong with my son being the sweetest kindest little guy you ever met.  It’s one of the things I love about him and makes me proud to be his dad.  It’s just not exactly what you think of when you think of a natural elite wrestler.

So, my initial gut reaction was to tell him to set his sights lower.  However, I gave myself a few seconds to think.

What kind of message do I want to send?  

What does this kid need to hear at this time?

He’s 9 years old.  He has all the time in the world to dedicate towards becoming excellent at whatever his passion is.

In my own childhood, I assumed greatness, especially in sports, was for others.  If I failed, I was told to suck it up and move.  I had no concept of how to train to get better.  It was always clear that I was loved, win or lose, but I was never encouraged to really try to win.

I appreciate the unconditional love I received, but I believe we can love our kids and teach them to grow.

As an adult, at work, in marriage, getting fit and much more, I learned that practice and dedication outperform natural ability almost always.

So, at the end of that car ride, I tried to tell my son what life had been telling me for the past 13 years.

“You know what?  You could do that.  You need to work hard and practice a lot, but you absolutely can.”

Now here’s my conundrum.  What do I do when my son doesn’t have the drive to move towards his goals?

How much do I push him?

Parents’ egos often become entwined with their kids’ performance.  It’s a burden children shouldn’t have to bear.

I don’t want  anything to do with that, but I do want to teach a growth mindset.

So, how do you encourage being driven towards a goal, without overburdening and overvaluing performance over learning, growth and enjoyment?

This is an open question in my mind.  (If you have suggestions, send help.)

For now, I will continue to guide my son towards growth, and always re-enforce that he is loved.