How to grieve?

How do we grieve?

We aren’t given a very clear blue print in our culture for what to do when tragedy strikes. Do you curl up in the fetal position and give up on life? Smoke and drink yourself into a state of numbness? Act tough, pretend there is nothing to be upset about? Deflect with humor?

Last weekend I had the opportunity to go to a “celebration of life” for an acquaintance. The circumstances of this man’s death and life were complicated. However, he was well loved and missed by many, always an interesting person to talk to and had a great sense of humor.

Walking into the celebration of life there were pictures all over the walls. Well over half were of him as a child. The frames had words that were supposed to be funny (insultingly so).

After viewing all the pictures I milled about, awkwardly looking for someone to talk to. Someone asked me how I knew the deceased man. After explaining, I noticed their name tag. They were the parent of the dead man.

“He is a person worth remembering,” I said ”How are you holding up?”

I could see that I made them uncomfortable. They hastily answered “hanging in there,” and we both walked away ending the awkward moment.

The only official activity that evening was telling “dad jokes”. Intentionally bad humor and puns abounded. The only time that someone related one of these jokes back to the person who’s life was being “celebrated” it was met with groans and awkward silence.

I’m not here to judge their mourning process. But event got me thinking about how to grieve.

Grief demands to be acknowledged. The grieved demand to be remembered. To be remembered as they really were not as we want them to have been. You would have thought that a child had passed away from this gathering by the pictures. This man was remembered only for his sense of humor. Something palatable to most people but nothing close to the totality of who he was.

We are all going to die. In remembering the dead we must also grapple with the this fact.

Grief is a complicated thing. We grieve for them, but we also grieve for ourselves. This drives us out, to comfort, support and love those that are hurting around us. We can grow from grief, but first we must grieve.